#10 Brimstone and Burritos

Episode 10 of the series That Other Flock

If you haven’t experienced the other episodes in the That Other Flock series, you can find them in the Index. Our characters are connecting the dots episode to episode more than originally planned so you’ll wanna know what’s happened before. Thank’s for reading!

Toby asked me, “Did Jesus masturbate?”

He acted like this was a perfectly normal question that gets asked at church over breakfast burritos.

In complete candor, I’m not sure anyone has ever asked that question aloud in a church in over 2,000 years. Maybe someone, probably a teenager, has thought it ever 300 years or so, but asked it out loud? In a church kitchen? While eating a breakfast burrito? While eating a breakfast burrito with extra, extra sausage? Never happened before. First time, I guarantee it.

But it had been a day of firsts, so, no surprise, the big guy would deliver the big one.

There were many learnings this morning. I’ll try to make it clear-ish by beginning at the beginning.

I walked into the church kitchen after late service with Leon (the Professor), Betty, Ice, who we know is Brian, Tommy, and Jelly.

There was a foil tray of breakfast burritos sitting on the counter next to the usual donuts. First of the firsts this morning, I learned that Jelly’s name is Toby. Or really Tobias. I deduced that because at the top of the pyramid of foil wrapped burritos was a fat one marked: “Toby” and “Xtra, Xtra Sausage.”

These were a dozen of these peace offerings from Eve/Red with the special one for Jelly/Toby (this name thing is getting more awkward every week). Unlike the leftover burritos a few weeks ago, these were warm and completely wonderful.

Next, it turns out that there’s a group chat they named “Donuts,” for everyone in our group but me. After last week’s revelation of Eve’s job as an undercover reporter, the group had taken their grievances to the group chat. As they explained to me, there’d been a long series of frustrated and hostile texts following last week’s blow up. Betty’d raked Eve over the coals but eventually calmed down. Ice/Brian used the “we’ve all been horrible people to someone at some point” defense of Eve which is really the “let him who is without sin cast the first stone” defense (it’s a killer argument if you do it right). Leon had sealed the deal with an apparently hilarious “Boomer” GIF from Reddit that poured cold water on everyone’s outrage.

They’d actually voted in the chat to accept Eve back into the fold. The vote was unanimous, although they’d had to force Eve to abstain. She kept insisting on voting.

This morning, Eve arrived in the kitchen stylishly late (and stylishly dressed) to accolades and fist bumps.

This morning’s sermon was the beginning of a series on the dangers and evils of sin. Mega church pastors do old-fashioned hellfire and brimstone with humor, PowerPoint slides, G-rated movie clips, lasers, and fog machines. The pastor alluded to the 10 Commandments and the various lists of sins detailed in the Bible. I think his main point was that sin begins in our hearts and minds. He made a big deal about the fact that what Jesus means is that God watches every action and knows ever thought. He painted a vivid picture of Judgment Day where God not only shows on a big screen to everyone who’s ever lived all your sins, but also somehow plays audio and video to everyone of your secret fantasies and dark thoughts. He was vague on exactly how that worked, but he leaned heavily on imagining how lurid the Lord of Hosts’ divine CGI capabilities might be.

He made it as awful and embarrassing as you can imagine.

For part of his scriptural support for his sinfest, he jumped into the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5. There’s that section where Jesus talks about “you’ve heard that it was said” but “I say.” Jesus deals with murder, beginning with anger in your heart. The pastor made quick work of that section but slowed way down to camp on the next section where Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’” The pastor talked about all the ways he could imagine how adultery happened. Have to give him props, he mentioned lonely neighbors, business trips, randy plumbers with housewives, strip joints, substitute teachers, and babysitters.

It sounded to me like he’d trolled the categories of videos available on Porn Hub. Not judging, you gotta find sermon material where you can find it.

After getting everyone’s imaginations going on all the opportunities to commit adultery, he shifted gears and had gone to the kicker verse where Jesus declares that anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his heart has already committed adultery. The pastor actually said, “Bam, you’ve sinned.”

And going to hell. For looking and imagining. And then he gingerly touched on masturbation.

Whew.

It was a theological tossed salad.

And then he went hard at porn because, you know, that’s lusting in your heart. And if you’re watching porn and doing what one does, then you better not forget that right before you get thrown into the burning lake of fire on Judgement Day you’ll have to stand there and watch everyone watch you lusting. He actually said, with a little sniff of propriety, “your mom watching you experiencing porn…and I think you know what I mean.”

Double whew.

Stupid me, I thought that was as awkward as it was going to get. But no. Toby/Jelly had paid attention in church…and had questions.

Here’s how that happened.

Jelly (Toby) said, “Those lists of sins. That’s pretty tough. Some of those are hard enough to avoid without adding in the ‘thinking it’ clause.”

“Those lists are really just examples to illustrate all the ways we are separated from God without Jesus.” Leon, our Baby Boomer, said. “I’m not sure the list is as important as the awareness that, without God, we have no chance of living a good life.”

Tommy chimed in. “Right. And I’m not completely sure, but I think Jesus wanted us to know that what happens in our hearts and minds is as important as our actions. That’s part of this. It’s true, what you do usually starts in your head, right? You think about it first.” Tommy said this while pouring hot sauce on his burrito. Eve had pulled out all the stops. The salsa was chunky and fresh…lot’s of cilantro and jalapeno.

“There’s no way anyone can live like that,” Eve said. “And all of this,” she gestured at the kitchen ceiling toward the sanctuary above us. “This is all about not going to hell? The fire and the lake and everything.”

“A lot of the imagery is from Dante.” Tommy answered. “But Revelations refers to a lake of fire and some of that stuff. Really, it’s symbolic of separation and loss. I don’t think there’s some lake on fire somewhere.”

“Hell’s real. That’s what the book says.” Toby/Jelly said, pointing with his second burrito for emphasis.

“Punishment’s a thing, too.” Betty was thoughtful. I suspected she was stinging a bit from the Pastor’s verbal brushes with “today’s unnatural lifestyles” as part of his description of how all of us enjoy our fallen natures. “You can’t avoid that.” She was pensive.

Brian/Ice stopped in mid chew and said, “Did it seem like the Pastor enjoyed the idea of us all watching everyone’s sins?”

“Boy howdy he did.” Betty agreed.

Tommy shook his head. “No, he enjoyed the idea of people going to hell more.”

Patting her stomach and the baby growing there, Eve/Red said, “Pastor and Jesus are going to get their wish. Definitely going to hell.”

“No,” Brian/Ice jumped in. “No. Jesus doesn’t want anyone to go to hell. That’s the whole point. That’s why he came so you wouldn’t go to hell. He understands the struggle.”

“So the whole point’s to not go to hell? That’s it? That’s all? That’s what this is all about?” Eve was looking around the kitchen like she was seeing it for the first time.

“No, the point is that God wants you to love him. To live a good life. To help people. You know, ‘Love God and love your neighbor.’” Brian said.

“Seems like a rigged game. You know? Here’s the list of things you can’t do.” Eve said. “But you should also know that if you even think it, that’s the same as doing it. Thinking it, is doing it. So watch your step or straight to hell with you. Stray thought? Straight to hell.” She paused and then said, “I think I like Buddha better.”

“Wait, you’re missing the point about Jesus.” Brian said. “He came to save us from ourselves. To understand and show us he understands. He knows. He was a man. He knew our lives. He knows how hard this life is. He lived what we live. Somewhere it talks about that he was tempted in every way just like us, but he didn’t sin.”

Which is when Toby/Jelly jumped in with his blockbuster question, “Did Jesus masturbate?”

Leon choked on a mouthful of burrito. Eve giggled. Betty gasped.

I swallowed the sip of coffee I had in my mouth rather than spray it out of my nose.

Toby shrugged his big shoulders. “Look at me.”

Everyone already was looking at him. After that question, it was impossible to not look at him.

He kept going. “Guys. I’m a 30-year-old virgin. My hormones don’t know that I’m a fatty loser who can’t keep a job and lives one step away from homelessness. My testosterones don’t know that a woman’s never going to have anything to do with me, much less marry me, much less than have sex with me.” He gestured at his roll of belly fat peeking out from under his Mavs t-shirt. No. He was gesturing below his waist. “I mean, my…my…you know…” He paused, searching for a word I hoped he wouldn’t say. “My body yearns for more than burritos, you know? It’s a problem.”

Eve snickered, and Brian giggled.

But he wasn’t making a joke.

Then everyone was looking at me.

That’s when I realized hadn’t had any rum since last night. I wanted a drink, but I’d come to church worrying about Eve and wondering if she’d come back and if the group would accept her.

I’d made for nearly 4 hours on a Sunday without a drink because I was worried about Eve. That’s a record for this part of my life.

I really wanted a drink but also decided I was going to have to answer Jelly’s…er…Toby’s question. Probably better if Captain Morgan stayed in my coat pocket. I said, “Toby, that’s quite a question. It’s not mentioned in the Bible. I think most people sorta assume a ‘no.’”

“Hmmm…” was all Toby said in response. He was mulling things over. “So, if I…”

Leon and I both had our hands up in the universal sign for stop. Betty saved the day. “We understand the dilemma. We got it. Most of us understand our versions of the problem. Please. No specifics.”

“Heard that,” Brian affirmed. “And Jesus knows our struggles, too. Right?” He looked at us. “Somewhere it says that he knows our weaknesses. Right? Says that? Right?”

I nodded and said, “Yea, Hebrews 4. He was tempted in every way.”

“But didn’t sin,” Brian lobbed back.

“Yes. But didn’t sin.” I kept going, but I was longing for alcohol as I stepped into the theological minefield. “But he understands our temptations, struggles, and weaknesses. Toby, Jesus understands. He was also a 30-year-old virgin. And a man…so without getting any more indelicate, he understands your desire.”

“But he didn’t?” Toby couldn’t leave it. He looked down at his waist…or slightly below his waist. “Because it’s a sin?”

“You know Toby, I’m not going to guess.” I answered, caressing my bottle of rum in my coat pocket for comfort. “Let’s just stay with what we know.”

Naturally, it was Eve who jumped in with, “But if we think it, we’re going to hell.”

“No,” Leon answered. “No one’s going to hell.”

Toby jumped in with, “Wait, what about what the Pastor said? He was clear…”

Tommy said, “Yep, sinners in the hands of an angry God and all of that.”

Leon said, “This isn’t only, or mainly, about sin management and avoiding hell. That’s not the life. The life is to live full and happy. With some meaning. You know. With some friends. A connection to God. Not afraid of hell.”

“Too complicated. That’s the way with religion.” Eve was dismissive, and I was sympathetic to her conclusions. There were times I felt the same way.

“Or not complicated at all,” Betty answered. “You know when I was all pissed off at Eve over her…lies? Let me show you something.” She dug around in her purse and pulled out her iPhone.

“No service down here,” Tommy reminded her.

“Don’t need it,” Betty muttered as she scrolled and paged. “Here. Look at that text. It came last Sunday afternoon…from Brian, right in the middle of all the group chat stuff.”

She held her phone up and showed it around the circle. There in the blue message block it said, “Eve’s stuff hurts. Me 2. But she’s on her own. No family. No one. I know what that’s like. You do too. We oughta be on her side.”

Putting her phone back, she said, “Brian’s my friend. I love him. He loves me. And when he texted me that, I realized I needed to care more about Eve as a person than what she might have done. I think Jesus does that for His friends.”

“What he texts God, ‘don’t burn ol’ Toby for looking at porn, because it’s tough being a single fat man? He needs another chance or three.’” Toby was grinning as he said it.

“Exactly,” I answered. They were all grinning now. “Not a text, but he’s our friend, your friend. The Bible says, ‘advocate’ because he knows how tricky, scary, horrible, tempting this life can be. He wants nothing bad to happen to you, Toby. He wants you to live a full and wonderful life. And when we fail…”

“Like yelling, cussing and hitting someone with a wreath at a funeral…” Eve said with that grin of hers.

“Sure, like hitting someone with a wreath at a funeral,” I continued, “Someone who deserved it. Or whatever. Without Jesus, yes, you are distant from God. I don’t know about all of that hell stuff. It’s hard for me to figure out, too. I think the point is that life without God is horrible and maybe that’s what the lake of fire represents. Doesn’t matter, with Jesus, you have someone who is pulling for you, Toby. And he wants you to have a good life. I understand nothing else, but I think I know Jesus came to earth to understand you and your struggle and for you to know he did.”

“Jesus. Jesus. Jesus,” Brian said, but he wasn’t saying it in exasperation or as a curse. He was praying it in a way that I felt…somewhere near my heart. “Jesus, this life is hard.”

Then Eve added to all the firsts of the day by saying softly, “Amen.” I thought about it all afternoon. Was she joking or serious?

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Find out what’s next in: Episode 11: “Trip Hazard”